Slain by Elf

We are all invisible and sneaking through a tower of Dark Elf wizards in the Dark Elf capital city. It's good that we're invisible, frankly, but it still may not be good enough to simply be unseen. We also try to move quietly.

Thanks to Krunch the Barbarian's new-found passion for being a Rogue, he has more skill to be stealthy, rolling a 29 on his stealth check. 'Yes! I'm so stealthy! I'm just slinking around! No one can hear me!'

'We can't hear your footsteps, but we can hear you, you bloody fool. Shut the hell up!'

'You head towards the Sorcery Tower.'

''Saucery'? I was expecting something pointier.'

After a seasonal encounter, we get to loot Father Christmas's sack, with random rolls on the wondrous items table.

Reaching in to the sack, I am excited to find, 'Ooh, a +3 Quarterstaff!'

Pigeonhole gets second pick, and pulls out, 'Ooh, a Robe of Scintillating Colours!'

Krunch's expectations are high, when he pulls out, 'uhh, a potion of healing?!'

'Do you want to move your swarm of bats?'

'Sure.' They get moved.

'Hold on, if you move them there, you have to deal with the Wall of Thorns.'

'...they can just fly over it.'

We have a small army of mushrooms moving to battle a threat to their giant mushroom overlord, or something like that. We're a bit fuzzy about the details, but that doesn't mean we can't spot an infiltrator in our ranks, particularly when they are startled by the excellent crown I am wearing. Sure, some say it is just flimsy cardboard, but I won it after defeating a gnome sort-of king-like character in combat.

It turns out this new gnome also has a crown, somewhat more metallic and shinier than my own, and give away their disguise when they call me the usurper to their rightful power. This all gets sorted out when I defeat them in combat too, giving me the nattier crown to wear to show my new status as definitely not a usurper. Still, we have to wonder what this gnome is doing amongst our ranks in the first place. Or maybe we don't have to wonder. 'Muffin, why don't you cast Speak With Dead so we can find out what he's doing here.'

'Not a problem, but bear in mind you can only as five questions, and they are free not to tell the truth.'

'Okay, gnome, what are you doing here?'

'I am here to serve the master!'

'Who is your master?'

'The Slime Lord, who will...' blah blah blah, he goes on a bit, it's not particularly interesting.

'So you're going to slaughter the demon lord, threatening the giant mushroom?'

'Yes! She will...' etc. He's pretty talkative for being dead.

'Do you realise you're dead, and that you won't achieve any of this?'

'Yes, but the Slime Lord will revive me and I will serve him again!'

Oh, well that's something. And we have one question left. We have to make it count, maybe give us an advantage in the upcoming encounter, either finding a weakness or... 'Do you like my new crown?'

'Argh! Why, you...!' And the gnome's head explodes again.

In our continued wanderings through the Underdark, Pigeonhole has been afflicted by spores. Those are never good. I have a plan, though, and it is amazing. I want to cast Blight and kill all plant life on Pigeonhole, with only a tiny bit of collateral damage to the host. Pigeonhole is not entirely convinced of this plan.

'I won't turn in to Freddie Mercury, will I?', he asks, confusing me for a second, but actually addressing the GM. 'You said these were queen spores. I'm just a poor boy/from a poor family/spare me this life/from this monstrositeeeeeeee!'

'Ah, the very words I needed to hear—Blight!' I start rolling my 8D8 damage.

'Don't roll dice unless you're actually casting Blight', warns the GM. I keep on rolling.

'You heard him, I'm sparing his life from this monstrosity. 33 points of damage to our Rogue, and maximum damage with no save for the spores.'

'Hmm, okay. The growths all dissipate.'

'As much as it pains me', says Krunch, 'that was actually a good plan'.

'As much as it pains you?', asks Pigeonhole, just about recovered from writhing on the floor.

The Modron army leads us onwards, until we find the device that they were after. It's a demon-neutralising device, or something like that, and it just so happens that various demon lords are wandering around the Underdark at the moment, and one is with the device in the cavern ahead. It's convenient, but still not very appealing.

'Maybe we should talk to it', says Krunch. 'And that would require someone who can speak their language of Infernal, which would be you, Charmandrathrax.'

'I agree, and thanks for volunteering me, but I think you mean Abyssal. Which you speak.'

'I—oh balls, so I do.'

'Great, so we're sending in the Barbarian to negotiate. When do you want our initiative rolls?'

We've found an Instant Fortress, somewhat guarded by some undead beasties, but now it's ours and it's a good place to rest. Things get a little awkward, however, when the Modron army, found thanks to the Modron we rescued from the Beholder, ask if they can join us. 'Will they all fit?'

'It's a little tight', says the GM, 'but yes'.

'...how many of them are there, precisely?'

'Nine.'

'Oh. The way you described them, it sounded like hundreds.'

Time passes, we rest, we move on. Krunch is wondering what happened to the Modrons in the meantime.

'They rested with us.'

'All of them?!'

'How many did you think there were?'

'Thousands.'

'Seriously, these descriptions need work.'

The Beholder is proving curiously difficult to engage in its lair, as if it has some kind of advantage from having constructed everything to fit its strengths. We can't get close to it, at least not safely, and if its not safe then we are in full view of all of its eyes. Even so, we somehow do enough damage to it eventually that it retreats upwards to recover. Here you can access a simple guide to understanding paystubs.

'How are we supposed to chase it up there? It's just going to heal and come back, and we're running low on resources.'

'Maybe we can lure it back down. Do you think it likes cheese?'

'... Do you have any cheese?'

'...no.'

Thankfully, not all of us are struggling down below. I went exploring, using my Gloves of Spider-climb to work my way behind and above the Beholder, hoping to drop something on its big head. As it happens, though, I instead find its personal chamber, including its stash of treasure. I put on a lovely dressing gown with eyes all over it, wake up a weird mechanical critter, and then remember from the shouts below that a battle is in progress.

I head over to the hole in the floor, looking to do some damage from above, just as the Beholder retreats this way. Needless to say, it is probably more surprised than I am. Some Beholder poop falls on our brave Barbarian, I poke the Beholder in the eye, and the dual-vulnerabilities now exposed are enough to finish it off. We are victorious! Now to share the rest of the treasure around.

We find the Beholder in its lair, but doesn't take too kindly to our asking to have one of its eyes. As we find ourselves rather at a disadvantage, we have to adjust our tactics, resulting in Krunch pulling out a Longbow that no one knew he had.

'This doesn't get much use, but here goes nothing.' Despite his rustiness with ranged weapons, the arrow flies true, getting a solid hit on the target. 'Hah, in your face!'

'Where else is it going to hit a Beholder?'