Slain by Elf

As reward for helping in the battle, Lord Gallow extends a very generous offer to us. He offers us each a knighthood, which we graciously accept. Well, most of us. Salvador enquires about the option of receiving a military rank instead. 'Yes, that would be possible', says Lord Gallow, 'but it would be honorary'.

An honorary military title is fine with Salvador, who ponders his options and decides to be an honorary captain in the army of Lord Gallow. He wears this title with pride, for all of the few hours it takes before we ask why not major? Colonel? Brigadier? 'Ooh, I want to be a brigadier. I can change to that, right.'

But it's too late. Captain it is. Honorary captain, as well. Sir Brewswain. Sir Thrak. 'Captain' Salvador.

The saving grace is that 'Captain' Salvador manages to win a jousting competition the next day. If only he'd been a knight, people may have cheered for him more.

The battle is over. King Steppenguard's forces have been pushed back, and the armies of this land have stopped fighting each other. Hopefully now we can concentrate on the real enemy—not the Judean People's Front, but the orcish army of Ragesia.

The next morning, a messenger rides out to the centre of the battlefield. Lord Gallow rides out to meet him. On seeing this, Salvador spots an opportunity. 'Brewswain, cast Phantasmal Killer on the lord now that he's vulnerable.'

'That's our lord, you douche. Whose side are you on?'

'If the dog wasn't in the way, I could cast Lightning Bolt.'

'He's only little. Fire it over his head.'

'I'm a gnome.'

'So fire between his legs!'

'I'm no expert, only being a mage and all, but I don't think Lightning Bolt works that way.'

Thankfully, I have no such reservations about casting spells that catch party members in their effects when the spell isn't quite so destructive. Both Salvador and his dog are bravely battling trolls and knights on horseback, and I want to help by casting Crushing Despair on them, making the enemies less effective.

Sadly, Crushing Despair does not distinguish friend and foe, and would affect Salvador and dog just as it would troll and knight. But there are more of them than there are of us, so the net benefit seems good. 'Sal, how are your saving throws?'

'They're—what? Why?'

'No reason. Crushing Despair!' The trolls and knights feel the weight of the world on them, heightened by being in the midst of battle. Salvador and his dog, ignorant and naive, are unaffected by their situation. The plan worked as intended!

'How wide is the battlemat?'

'I counted 46 squares, but that seems like an odd number.'

'No, it's definitely even.'

Sent on an assassination mission the night before a battle, we get to the target's tent, that of a high-ranking wizard. With a bit of skill mixed with a healthy dose of luck, we take out the guards and encounter the wizard in rather favourable conditions. That is, until he casts Lesser Globe of Invulnerability, giving him immunity from all spells below 3rd level.

'Dammit', says Salvador, 'I was just about to whale on him with 1st-level spells!'

Yeah, it definitely sounds like the 9th-level wizard dodged a bullet.

'Um, before we get started on our excursion to kill this wizard, did it perhaps occur to anyone to get some healing? Just so that we don't start the next fight in a bad state.'

'For goodness sake. You've had all evening to mention this! Then again', says Thrak, after glancing at his character sheet, 'some healing would be good to retcon in.'

We're trying to work out how to sabotage some siege engines. Our best bet seems to be for Thrak and Salvador to sneak up on them, throw oil on the engines, and then for me to cast Wall of Fire to set them all alight.

It's not a bad plan, apart from needing to be stealthy, and that my Wall of Fire will only stretch across 4 of the 12 siege engines in the front of 2 rows. If only we had a way of reaching more of the engines.

'Isn't there still some trouble with teleporting, and that anyone who does ends up on fire?'

'Yep, why do you think I suggested Dimension Door as one of your new spells?'

'Then why don't we just douse your familiar with oil and get him to blink to each siege engine in turn? Because who needs a wall of fire when you have a flaming teleporting dog?'

'Let's call that plan B.'

Plan A goes ahead as better than nothing, and it seems to go quite well. Sappers dig us a trench to get close to the engines, and Thrak and Sal manage to sneak close enough to the first pair of siege engines without being noticed. 'Ready your throwing arm!'

'Oh, I've been secretly working on it for years.' The oil is thrown, some confused voices are heard, and Sal and Thrak move on. Four more siege engines are splashed with oil before the engineers and guards realise what's happening, at which point Sal casts a scorching ray to set one patch of oil alight.

That's my signal! I cast wall of fire, catching the oil on the other siege engines, and inflicting serious damage on them, as well as preventing more guards from coming to attack Thrak and Sal, now making their retreat. Maybe we don't disable all the siege engines, but we make a good dent in weapons we'll be facing tomorrow.

To avoid patrols on the main roads we have to go through a dark wood, within which are creatures known as pitchlings. Salvador knows something about them, and shares his knowledge with us. 'Also, we can hold unlit torches, and if a pitchling comes within 100', they will burst in to flames.' Salvador considers this for a moment. 'I don't know if that's a diplomatic option, though.'

'What do you mean?'

'I don't think it's the best idea to make pitchlings burst in to flames when all we want is safe passage through their woods.'

'I think it's the unlit torches that burst in to flames, not the pitchlings.'

'That does make more sense.'

The orcs who overran the dwarf outpost have been defeated, along with their wyvern, which was killed single-handedly by little gnome illusionist me. I'm still waiting for my medal. Searching the outpost finds the dwarf bodies tossed unceremoniously in to a heap in the snow.

'I'll check to see that they're all dead.'

'...'

'That came out wrong, didn't it? I'll check to see if any are still alive.'

Fighting our way through the orc fortress leads us to the commander, Krag. Almost, anyway. A narrow corridor ends with a 10' wall leading up to ledge where the corridor continues. The wall would be easy to climb with the ladder in place, but only if the ladder stayed in place. One of Krag's lieutenants pulls it up as we approach.

Missing the ladder isn't too much of a problem, as it turns out. The dwarf we rescue from the fortress agrees to act as a dwarven springboard, letting Nerrick and myself climb up to the ledge, getting us in to combat with the lieutenant, Krag staying out of reach behind him.

Pasha doesn't want to get too close, and instead of clambering up with us casts Levitate to get a better view of proceedings. Seeing Krag not in direct combat gives Pasha an idea. 'Don't worry lads, I'll cast Suggestion and get Krag to drop his axe and retire to his throne room.'

Pasha starts to cast his next spell. 'Krag, I suggest you drop your aaaaaaahhhh!' Concentrating so hard on his suggestion causes Pasha to stop concentrating on his levitation, which is a shame because both spells require concentration to be active, causing our mage to fall to the ground and lose line-of-sight to Krag, another condition for suggestion. But it was a good plan in spirit.